Friday, April 23, 2010

Hurt is the Little Baby Sister of Pain

Hurt is the little baby sister of Pain

As I was trying to think of a better word for pain (not the physical kind, but the heart broken, all encompassing mental well being kind) I decided that it is okay the way it is. It seems it should be longer or uglier or harder to say but I can’t come up with anything better.

Its better than Sane because Pain is the opposite of Sane. Pain erases everything that ever-made sense. It leaves a dark open pit where any semblance of Sane used to live. Pain mocks Sane.

It’s better than Fame because Pain takes away all connections with other people. Pain allows you to pretend and hint at human connection, but never have it. It demands that you be on your own and reminds you always that you will die that way – and you look forward to that.

It’s better than Pang because it never ends or gets better. Sometimes Pain comes in Pangs but only after its been around a very, very long time. After years, Pain can thankfully hide below the surface for minutes or hours, if luck is really with you, a day, but it forces itself out of you in a Pang that turns back into Pain in a millisecond and engorges your whole being just as if there was no living in between.

Its better than Hurt by far. Hurt is the little baby sister of Pain. Hurt flirts with you and lets you seek attention and even retribution. Pain is the end of Pain. It doesn’t matter what it feels like because it doesn’t matter – to anyone – not even to you.

It’s better than Torture except that Torture is also a good word. Torture is a physical word and although Pain causes physical things to happen to your body, that is only the beginning of it and sometimes the best part of it. Torture can end and Pain cannot.

It’s better than Death or Dying because those words also suggest an end and Pain never ever hints at an end. It doesn’t allow you to even imagine one. It is a endless pit of dark and nothingness that is the biggest part of your life.

It’s better than Scorn because although the person in pain is an object of contempt, the contempt has no reason, no beginning, and no explanation that can be fixed. It just is. The person in Pain becomes his or her own object of contempt.

It’s better than Bitter because Bitter can be tasted and felt. Pain doesn’t feel much, if it did it might be easier to bear. It is an abyss of darkness that is a mystery to the person in Pain. The world has changed and the person in Pain can’t figure out where that world went to or if it ever really existed or why they do.

It’s better than Hate because Hate implies that there could be Love. Love is something that is too questionable to even consider to the person in Pain. Does Love make a difference? Not really. It feels nice but then when it’s gone it’s gone, when it changes, it changes. Pain is never gone and never changes.

Despair is close. I do like the word “painful despair” but its too long and would never really catch on.

Torment doesn't quite work because it implies that an outside force is at work. When Pain enters your life it may have begun with an outside force but it is so all encompassing inside of the person in Pain that anything that suggests any outside variable is ridiculous.

Anguish seems to bring up the idea of tears or screaming or striking out but anyone in Pain knows that you can't do that and if you did it wouldn't change a thing and you might never be able to stop.

So even though there should be a better word than Pain, I haven’t found it yet.

1 comment:

grammie said...

ANNE , You have 'nailed it' with this one. I think of ya'll often and pray you're all o.k. Have a Happy Mother's Day.

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